Distraught

Distraught


We sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. I didn't want to talk to Canary about it, I really didn't. I would rather talk to Bruce, but he wouldn't want to talk to me. He wouldn't want me to open up.
   "Bats put you up to this, didn't he?" I finally asked.
   "Bruce had nothing to do with it," Canary said, leaning back in her chair. "I offered to do this, though he did want you all to talk with someone about what happened. Especially you."
   "Than why doesn't he talk to me himself?" I asked, looking at the floor.
   "I'll talk to him about that, but for now, would you like to tell me what happened?"
   "You already know the gist of it…"
   "Then how about your feelings? You all seem to be hurting, which is expected after something like… that."'
   "Hurting?" I ask, "More like traumatized. I finally become leader, and wind up sending all of my friend's to their death's. I know, I did what I had to, but I hated it. When we started this team, I was desperate to be in charge… not anymore. A-and that's not even the worst of it! You can't tell Batman…"
   "Nothing leaves this room," she says calmly, though by her tone, she sounded worried.
   "I always… wanted—expected, to grow up and become him. And the hero bit; I'm still all in! But that thing inside of him… that thing th-that drives him to sacrifice everything for the sake of his mission… that's not me. I-I don't wanna be the Batman anymore."
   I felt weird telling Canary this. She looked… scared.
   "Dick, you can still become Batman without being just like him," Dinah finally said.
   "How am I supposed to do that?" I asked. "The thing that makes him Batman is the—the cold demeanor, and the willingness to give other people's lives for the good of the world. I mean, I want to protect our planet just as much as he does, but is it really worth the sacrifice?"
   "The thing that makes you and Bruce so…similar is that you both have had hard experiences with death. You both lost your parents at a young age, and that incident is what made Bruce how he is today."
   "But I'm not like him," I snapped. "I don't want to be like him!"
   "No, Richard, you're not like him in some ways, but the things that make you two so in-sync is what really matters. You and Bruce… you read each other, and play off of the others body language and facial expressions that nobody else can see. But what makes you different from him, Dick, is that you had someone."
   "I don't get it…" I said, pulling off my sunglasses and turning them over in my hands over and over.
   "When Bruce's parents were murdered, he didn't have anyone. Well, he had Alfred, but he was forced to grow up faster than any kid that age should have, and so did you. But Bruce devoted his life to raising you as a child, instead of an adult. Even though he treats you as an equal out of the field, he didn't want you to grow up as fast as he did, nor did he want you to live a life of revenge.
   "You two got Zucco, and you never thought twice about it, but Bruce? He never found the justice that he deserved, which is why he has nothing to lose. He is willing to risk the lives of others, not because he doesn't care, but because he isn't afraid of losing them. He has learned to not get attached to people, but when you came along… he got attached. Not on purpose, and he didn't want to ignore you, but he didn't want the burden of having to lose someone.
   "He risks everything for his mission, because he doesn't feel the pain of losing someone like you do. You get it?"
   "I think so," I said, leaning back in the chair.
   "Dick…"
   "Huh?"
   "How did you feel about losing them?" I stared at her blankly. That was something I hadn't planned on thinking about.
   "I… It was the worst part of the training. It brought back so much baggage I didn't want to think about…"
   "As is to be expected."
   "When Artemis died, I… I don't really know what I felt, but when M'gann's subconscious took over, the part that hurt the most was that Bruce was gone. And then Kaldur and Superboy went, and it just kept building up, but through the whole thing I knew… I had to stay calm."
   "So you wouldn't let yourself get distraught over it?"
   I shook my head, "I couldn't. Bruce had always taught me—though these weren't his exact words—to get traught, or get dead. Wally was panicking, along with M'gann, and J'onn just seemed funny. I had been made the leader after Kaldur died, so I guess I took it upon myself to get traught… or else we wouldn't survive."
   "So you lead them to the mother ship?"
   I nodded, "I told them all that the others would still be there… heck, I even told myself that they would be, even though I knew they weren't. It got us to the end, though."
   "And when you died?"
   "I think it was the worst part… not because I was dying, but KF… I felt terrible knowing I had led him with me to the slaughter… I had decided that if any of us had to stay behind, it would be me. But there was no way for Manhunter to get them both out, so I had to keep Wally with me, knowing that we wouldn't make it."
   "How did you two die in the end?"
   "The explosion caught us before the disintegration rays… and it actually hurt. I felt incredibly hot, and my body felt like it was on fire when we finally woke up, but I guess that was normal, after being blown up."
   "You seem to have… doubts about how you acted."
   "I guess…"
   "Had it not been created to fail from the start, do you think your choices would have been the right ones?"
   "No," I said. "I should never have sacrificed Superboy like that… I shouldn't have lied to Wally and M'gann about them being alive… I shouldn't have told myself that I could handle it alone."
   "Dick, you're not alone," she said, sliding to the end of her chair and leaning forward. "You can ask us for help, or the Team. Even Bruce."
   "Bruce is too busy."
   "Then he'll make time, Dick, you just need to try. Just because it's been 4 years, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be there anymore. He's just waiting for you to approach him, first."
   I nodded. I knew what I was going to do now. "Is that all?"
   "If you think it is," she said. "But don't forget; if you ever need anything, tell someone."
   "I will," I said, standing up and walking to the door, sliding my shades back over my eyes. "Oh, and thanks."
   "No problem," she replied, smiling.
   I went to Bruce that night. It was weird. The only time we ever really talked about something personal was when I had nightmares about my parent's death, which only ever happened around the anniversary. It was nice, though, actually talking about something like that, and being able to tell him how it really was in there, and being able to actually admit to him—for the first time in a while—that I had been afraid. But there was nothing to be afraid of, anymore, because Bruce was there. He hadn't died, and neither had Artemis, Conner, Kaldur or Wally, nor the rest of the League. Things would get back to normal soon… or at least as normal as life could be for a teenage superhero.

…The End…